Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We left an ass print on the piano.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
