dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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