Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
