All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
