it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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