the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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