I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
