Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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