her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
