I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i think i have two assholes
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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