Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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