not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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