it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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