I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
