I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
