Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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