I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
