i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
