new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Did I show you my penis last night?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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