My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
