Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
