the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
