i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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