If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
