She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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