between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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