I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
