the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
