I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
