i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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