Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
