So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
