I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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