My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
