He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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