so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
