She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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