he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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