this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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