I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
