I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
