She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
