I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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