There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
