I seem to have left my pride at pride
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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