Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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