my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
