he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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