The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
