Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just threw up on my dentist
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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