remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
