I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
4 words: hood of his car
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
