i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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