but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
